Pirates 3 is a total shipwreck

Pirates of The Caribbean 3 was plain boring, messy and awful to endure.

Now that I’ve got the time to write, here’s the review:

 

This movie was obviously one of those made to fulfill the contract. The scriptwriters said to themselves after Pirates 1: “Hey, we’ve managed to get a contract to do two more movies! Let’s put all the good ideas into Pt 2 so that everyone will watch Pt 3!”

Unfortunately, when it came to Pt 3, they ran out of ideas, jokes or any form of inspiration.

(SPOILERS COMING)

Take Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) for example.

Undisputedly the star of the show, but you hardly notice he’s there.

When he’s in Davy Jones’ locker (aka Pirate Purgatory), there is this really unnecessarily long scene where his mind goes mad and he has to keep barking at various copies of himself, or simply stabbing them to his liking.

It’s supposed to be surreal like a Dali painting, but it just gets really stuffy after the initial few minutes.

But it doesn’t end there. Sparrow just keeps yabbering away about how everyone else can’t be real, but later does a complete and unexpected switch back to sanity.

Then there’s the bit where they got the Black Pearl to sail upside down. It’s plain stupid how they rocked the boat to get it to flip over, and it’s a weak ripoff of the hilarious Cage Of Bones scene in Pt 2.

As for Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom, their relationship is plain stupid too. Can they just break up or not? How many people do they have to kill while trying to get their marriage finalled by an obviously drunk Geoffrey Rush?

And the plot keeps tripping over itself – is Bloom good, evil or stupid? Why does it take so long for Jonathan Pryce (Keira’s father) to kick the bucket? Why is Davy Jones so weak that he can’t prise back his detached heart from the villain?

Why is Calypso the Sea Goddess so absolutely clueless about anything and is so unable to wreak havoc? What is the role of the two Brit soldiers who became pirates if they can’t provide comic relief?

Chow Yun Fatt is a waste of money. Francis Ng would have been cheaper to hire, funnier and more menacing to boot.

TWO HOURS FORTY-FIVE MINUTES of absolutely confusing and boring trite. The biggest disappointment of the year.

Even the ending sucks.

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